Billy Goat Gruff
by DeadlyFriend
Summary: Baby Wash gets a bedtime story.


Title: **Billy Goat Gruff**  
Author: DeadlyFriend

Disclaimer: I own nothing and nobody.

Notes: A very good friend of mine has recently had a new bairn, and so this popped into my head. It's unedited, written inside of a few hours, and dedicated to my mate and her new wee'an. She's an NHS nurse who works all the hours the world sends, and deserves far more than a pithy fanfic, but hey! River and Jayne are her thing :D Welcome to the 'verse, little Browncoat! You're gonna be a leaf on the wind.

Xxxx

" _What did you do?"_

Thems were the words she'd said on account of seeing him.

" _What did you do? Oh gods, what did you do?"_

He'd shaved is what he'd done, and the sight of his fresh face had sent her hands over mouth screaming right away from him, and there it was.

The final sign he needed that she had nothing for him, and hearing her scream was just a little too much for him to take, and he had to get away from the crew. All out rejection was a hard thing for a man, let alone a man like him who didn't do any of that fancy courting, but had anyway.

For her.

He'd given her flowers and been nice, and got a new button-up shirt. Kept it clean, too. Wore it when they went planetside to a nice spot for a bit of food. Hell, he'd even pressed the damned thing hisself just so as he looked pretty, but ain't a thing to be done for it.

She didn't want none of him, and it hurt to see the expressions on the faces of the rest of the crew. Especially her brother, who simply shook his head and sighed.

Jayne weren't a man for pity, and this was one hella hard lesson for him. Girls like her? They didn't want none from men like him, and it was long past time he realised that instead of trying to show her he was a good man. That he could take care of her and the like.

He could feel the crew staring at him, and he wanted to yell at them to go away, leave him be, but he couldn't. His heart was aching with total stupidity on account of thinking a woman like her would ever see fit to have a man like him.

"Hello, little Pilot," River's voice crackled over the comm. system, and baby fuss followed soon after. Sweet gurgles that made everyone smile.

Except Jayne because he was heart broken.

"Let's leave your mama to herself for a while, hmm? I know a much better story." The baby gurgled, and what sounded to be diaper changing going on.

Jayne twirled his knife glumly.

"Once upon a time, there was a little girl who was so much smarter than her brother, and he made faces when she corrected his spelling when she was three."

Simon's head whirled at the comm, mouth open, and so hilariously insulted that if Jayne wasn't so devastated, he'd be laughing merrily.

"The little girl grew and grew until she disappeared for a little while. A wicked step-monster hid her away in a big, bad prison, and her less-smart brother took a long time to read between the lines. Not his fault his IQ is only 170. He had to make do."

Jayne saw the captain swallow his tongue and turn away from the beet red doctor now glaring furiously at the comm, and that woulda been hilarious, too. If he didn't feel like his heart was stuck in a blender.

"Her brother rescued her. Eventually." The baby giggled, and River's smile could be heard, felt, by everyone except the broken and rejected man on the sofa.

"He put her into a magical box, where she was supposed to be for a month until a captain kicked it open a week too early. Not his fault, little Pilot. A captain thought her brother was a border world baron. It says an awful lot about the mind of the captain, doesn't it? The girl wondered if he was a fan of purple prose romance novels."

This time, it was Simon to swallow his tongue and turn away from the insulted captain.

"Now hey!" Mal yelled, face redder than his shirt.

"Mind your manners, captain. It's rude to interrupt."

There was a guffaw that Jayne would have added to were his heart not in a bloody mess in front of his feet.

"There were so many new voices that didn't speak with their mouths. Except one. A billy goat gruff. All the others were shocked by the border world baron brother with the low IQ, but the billy goat gruff spoke plain as day, and do you know what the billy goat gruff said? Do you?"

River's giggle mixed with baby gurgle.

"It's a girl. She's cute, too. Except I don't think she's all there, you know? 'Course not all of her has to be." Her impression was grade A, thought the wretched man on the sofa. Even down to how he'd said it with a mildly breathy chuckle as he tried to justify an attraction to a young, traumatised girl.

River continued. "He did, yes he did. The young girl had never received a compliment before. Her first compliment from a handsome man came when she was at her very worst. Can you imagine how that compliment made the young girl feel? You will one day. I know it."

The baby screeched out laughter, and it was all too easy to see River tickling and making faces.

Jayne would have grinned at that if he wasn't carrying the weight of heartbreak on his shoulders.

"The young girl grew into a pest, but they paid her no mind until they couldn't, and they became her Big Darn Heroes. Your father the biggest of them all. Flew them through storms and atmo and mountains inside a little ship made of metal and bolts. He is a leaf on the wind, Little Pilot, and you are that wind."

Jayne saw Zoe blink rapidly.

"Anyway," River sighed. "There were many trials and tribulations before that day came, but that's a story for when you're older. So. The billy goat gruff couldn't bring himself to care about the young girl because he knew her story would break his heart. Throw in her border world baron brother with a low IQ who couldn't spell by the age of eight. I know, I know. The issues, right?"

"I do not have a low IQ! And I misspelled. On purpose!" Simon's swivelled from crew member to crew member. "I did!"

"Of course you did." Kaylee's too innocent face nodded, but she was smiling all wicked like. She'd been spending too much time with the Moonbrain.

Jayne sucked in a sharp breath.

He hadn't called River Moonbrain in _weeks_.

"I did!"

Jayne would have ragged on him for that if he wasn't being poked in the chest by red hot branding irons.

"Manners, Simon. Back to the story," and River heaved a great, big sigh followed by a baby yawn and footsteps. "The billy goat gruff couldn't help himself, and he began to care. He was there when she begged to be stone. His hand went on her shoulder and he helped her stand with fists clenched, and a woman stood where the girl knelt."

Silence interrupted by the sound of a bottle being taken out of a bag, and baby fuss became baby eating as her bare feet kept walking.

"The billy goat gruff started to care in the way your papa cares about your mama. You see, little Pilot, when a man loves you, there won't be a thing he won't do. This is problematic sometimes, because love can make you blind if you're not careful."

Jayne stuffed his cheek into his palm and scuffed his boot with his knife.

"The billy goat gruff loved the woman so much, he became blind. Can you imagine? The very same billy goat who saw her cute as can be at her very worst became blind to her. He loved her so much, he changed everything to be what he thought was a better man. He didn't become a better man, though. He became a different man."

Silence rang out for a few moments. "He wore button-ups that made his neck itch. He started using her name instead of the ones that made her feel so unique, so special, to him. Her name on the lips of billy goat gruff, his voice, but the words were wrong. It was weird."

River cooed in response to baby coo, and everybody smiled. Except, that was, the man on the sofa with a heart rending pain in his chest as Moonbrain ripped the bandaid off slowly.

"Then he…" River's breath hitched for a second. "He shaved what made him a billy goat gruff. He shaved his _beard_. Now, the woman has a special kind of brain that allows her to remember every little detail from a single glance. All of them were gone, little Pilot, and it hurt the woman deep down inside to know he thought that's what she wanted."

Yeah, well, he was hurting deep down inside, too.

"Want to know why? And this is the most stupid thing of all. Because he thought he wasn't good enough for the woman, so he became someone else. This is the same billy goat gruff who called her cute when she was hurting, the same billy goat gruff who helped her stand, doesn't complain when she steals his t-shirts to sleep in, and the same billy goat gruff who is currently a big, sexy, angsty ball of mope in the galley."

Jayne's head shot up.

Say what?

Nothing else came through for a good several minutes. "I was blind, too, you see. I'd never known courtship. Not outside of textbooks and definitions. So I didn't know that's what he was doing, and can you imagine, little Pilot, how the woman felt to be courted by a man posing as her brother?"

The shudder came through loud and clear.

River cooed, the baby cooed, the crew melted. "I had a good man in front of me, holding flowers to my chest, and I was blindsided. Stood in the door of my room for two whole hours. That was when I realised and I got sad, too. Billy goat gruff was gone. Replaced by someone else. You see, little Pilot, when you have a good man like billy goat gruff or your papa or the captain with a fancy for border world barons and innocent concubines, you have to tell him that he's right just the way he is. Preferably before he shaves and sends you screaming for the airlock."

Did she just…

Had she just…

He grinned.

Aw, but he'd been all kindsa stupid, hadn't he? Been a right clear pansy. Weren't no wonder she'd ran away on account of so much disgustingness.

"Somebody is ready for their nap," baby yawns mixed with footsteps and soft cooing crackled through the system. "Do you think he got the message? I hope so, little Pilot. As much as I appreciate the gesture, I'd like my mercenary back."

"I think that brat is talking to you, Jayne." Simon's smile was knowing.

"Well?" Zoe's eyes were overly bright. Happy.

"Have you got the message?" Kaylee's hands were clasped tight under her chin.

"Think we could all stand to hear the answer," Mal stood, hands braced on the counter behind him, his eyes warm as his smile.

Jayne pushed himself off the couch, knife in hand, strode to the galley comm. button and slammed his fist straight on it. Couldn't stop grinning, though he felt like ten tons of eejat. "Just to be clear here, Moonbrain."

Moonbrain, and decidedly not River. He wished he'd never started calling her that. Weren't her name no more than billy goat gruff was his.

"Yes, Jayne?"

"You are off your gorram rocker."

He could freaking see her smile. "And then some."

"Here's more advice, kid." Jayne paused. He was not going to cry because he weren't no pussified baby man. "When you hear somebody tell the whole darn crew and four passengers over the ship-wide system that you're good as is, you take 'em. You go grab 'em like your ma did with your pa, and you drag 'em straight to the nearest cap'n'."

"Aw, hell," he heard Mal behind him. "Could be you need a woman right next to you for that."

"Would I do?"

Jayne jumped a freaking mile when her crazy, not right face peeked around the bulkhead mere inches from him. He blinked. "But how…"

"Ohhh…" Beside him, Kaylee fanned her shiny eyes.

River wrinkled her nose, little Pilot in her arms, as she stepped into the galley looking as ridiculous as could be possible in his shirt and hat. Then he noticed the baby bag hanging over her shoulder, and he realised. She hadn't been pacing back and forth in the nursery, she'd planned a route that passed every available comm. station, talking through each one until she stood in front of him.

He could not stop staring, could not hear anything on account of the image in his head of another baby. Dark hair, blue eyed, scowling little man who came with an IQ to match his ma. Maybe even a bit of Simon's ingrained stiff-upper-lip, and his ma's head tilt she made when she got real cross.

A hand patted his shoulder. "One step at a time, Jayne. Might want to get that bible, cap'n. He's gone night-night."

Jayne scrubbed at his eyes. Damned dust always got into places it had no business of being, and she was there.

"You're an idiot, Jayne Cobb."

He was kissing her after that. Kissing and laughter, with a baby between them and one to make, and there weren't no power in the 'verse that could stop him.


End file.
